To my sweetest home girl,

            We met when we were still so innocent and naïve from the cruel reality of the world, still enveloped with our own colorful bubbles. You were the first one to call me “Joan” in my entire school life, and I’d like to believe that was the moment I fell in love with your personality. No matter how many friends I have mastered to gain throughout the years, I’d still find my way back into your warming comfort and accepting words, your deep but yet so overflowing nature. You know me like the back of your hand, and I am immensely grateful for the time and effort you have always blessed me with.

            You were always present in my life, from my highest peak and lowest downfall. You were there as if you’re all ready to clap for my victories or even catch my soul when it gets too heavy for me. I don’t have to filter my words and hide myself from you because you’d still see through me. You’ve taught me how love can be expressed in multiple ways and how it is not limited to what the society had constructed it for the many. I guess, this is what those wedding vows with lines “loving is easy” for because it is so easy to love you. I don’t have to think of any grandeur gifts and trips or even keep up with how you live your life. I just blend with you easily and smoothly like it is meant to happen from the very beginning of our friendship.

 How many times have you seen me laugh like there’s no tomorrow? How many times have I cried my heart out to you? How many times have I gone so crazy through life with you? Crazy how, for sure, I’ve lost count for these moments and now I am celebrating your 21^st year on earth.

        In 21 years, I’ve witnessed:

1.     How you proved to our 3^rd grade teacher that you can be a good example to your sisters. You are always like that, I’ve witnessed how people would perceive you differently and no matter how much I’d like to correct them but I just let it pass for I know I’m just blessed enough to have known you this much.

2.     How you learned to mingle with new people and find beautiful friendship with them. It is so refreshing to see you happy and laughing with other people. You always have this easy going personality that drives people to you. You accept us for who and what we are, no matter what. You vibe with us, you jive with us.

3.     How you braved yourself to join a beauty pageant back in high school. You totally surprised us with that one, and know that we don’t mind getting surprised with your growth and courage.

4.     How you get lost and still find your destination. Literally, it happened to the both of us a lot of times. And we will always be grateful for those times because those learning experiences were etched in our memories. Figuratively, you were thrown into paths that were nowhere in your comfort zone yet you have learned to love the journey.

5.     How you committed yourself and your life to God. You are a good reminder of how God shows his grace and mercy in life, people look up to your faith in Him.

6.     How you thrive for your progress. You, of all people, have the most efficient discipline and dedication. If you want something, you get it done simply and silently. I know it was not easy to get to where you are now, but I just I want to say that I am so proud of you.

7.     How well versed you are in expressing your thoughts and delivering your insights. Your words will forever hold a dear value I the lives of the people you’ve touched. I am a fan of your writing and choice of books, I guess your wisdom reflects all of your interest and investments with it.

8.     How dedicated you are to the people you love and things you adore. From real life people to fictional characters, and kstans who made you fall head over heels. It is just so fascinating to see you get so hooked and pressed with these, you deserve to enjoy life and its people.

9.     How cheery and self-loving you are. You always give yourself time to grow and say yes to opportunities, you never rush things and just go accordingly to what your heart tells you to. Just continually growing at your own pace.

10.  How you balance your person and social life. Thank you for always trying your best to hang out with people even if its way past time your own life schedule. It just means that you hold people dear in your life.

11.  How thoughtful you are. You never forget to look beyond and extend your effort to the people who matter to you. We are so pampered with your love and friendship. You give your time for us as if it is something you can just bear and bring back to. Time is the most precious gift that you hold in life yet you never hesitate to spend it with and for us.

12.  How you worked hard for the things that you have. From the first time you had your first job at a BPO company to having sidetrack jobs that enabled you to provide for your own joys in life. Instead of asking, you worked for it. And not just that, your faith, inner peace, happiness, and contentment. I know it was a not a smooth road to take to have everything built for yourself.

13.  How simple you choose to live life. You were never the type of person who invest on expensive things and fun times, you were more the simple and chill girl. It is fine by you to just stay home, do your own things, go out occasionally, and that’s it.

14.  How disciplined you are. Oh my gosh, believe it or not you are on the top of my list. It’s still so amazing to me how you managed to live a low-key life by not dwelling too much on social media (and everything in the virtual world).

15.  How you step up your aesthetic game. If there’s one thing I have not said so often to you, I think it’s this. Just seeing your photos (and outfits) and watching your vlogs, I know you have a niche for these. You capture moments so candidly; you present yourself timelessly.

16.  How selfless and nurturing you are to the people around you. Most of the time, after every call, I could just thank the Lord for sharing you—a beautiful gift to me. You are always willing to give your time up for people, you take time to understand every word that they speak and then you assess and give your own insight. It means so much, and it helps a lot.

17.  How you are always low-key with your progress. You were always quiet with your wins; you were never the one who would post it or share it to us. Just know that we acknowledge and appreciate your hard work and effort. And for that, you deserve it. I am proud of you.

18.  How overflowing is your sense of empathy. You always know the right words to say, and when it comes from you? It feels like you understand us better than anyone else. It is such a powerful ability how you can see through our eyes and feel our heart like you have owned our struggles and pain.

19.  How brilliant you are. People would be so amaze if they ever get to see who and what you are in my perspective. You are one of the purest gems that I have known for years and years, and your value just adds up every time. You bloom, you prosper, and you continually sparkle. I will always believe in your capacity to do and achieve greater things. And as long as I live, I would really try my best to protect you.

20.  How you envision life and how you hustle for it. If imagination is the limit, you already know that you are a pro with it. What sets you aside is that you continually work for it, you just don’t give up easily. You know what you want and you work hard for it.

21.  How open you are to opportunities and possibilities. I believe that this is the main ingredient of your growth throughout the years, you grabbed the right opportunities and made the right decisions that led you to multiple possibilities. 

    Madam, thank you for letting me witness all of these and more. Thank you for growing with me from first grade down to our last years in college (and to all our beautiful days here on earth). I am so blessed and grateful to share every milestone with you. I wish you nothing but genuine happiness, stable inner peace, and well-deserved success. And may you always find spark in everything that you do and through.

2019.
An unexpected year of change and courage. Every month went like a flash of light all wrapped with thorns and graces of life; pain and joy tweaked me to be able to surpass each day of the year. It seemed like I was in a stance where everything was uncertain and was just full of unfinished businesses to attend to. I did a lot of unforeseen ventures and made a lot of startling decisions that stressed me out for God knows how many days and sleepless nights. I was hustling and resting, pushed too many buttons of overtimes and breaktimes before I finally learned to ride the waves of my phase.

The peaks and in-betweens of 2019 helped me bear my priorities and responsibilities. Surprisingly, I found myself not doing the stuff that I was so crazily into for the past years for I have developed a sense of fondness on the different side of the road. The unfamiliarity of new things was refreshing. I got so invested with my love for food, bags, and cases. Thank you Shopee and Sisig places, I wasn’t able to save any money (but at least, you made me happy and contented!!). I met and established great bonds with new people. I spent most of my days in the university. And I had enough strength and courage to face my 20th year of existence ft. choosing myself and prioritizing my happiness. At last, I stood up for what I believe I’m capable and responsible enough for.

I am forever grateful to the people in my life for aside from myself and my aspirations, they are the reason why I am still here. Thank you for making me laugh, for slapping me to get back into the right senses, and for staying despite the ups and downs. And of course, to the Lord who made everything possible for me and for my loved ones. Thank you so much for the answered prayers, waiting game, and redirections, this is all for Your glory. May the tears that I shed out of happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, and kilig in 2019 water my upcoming endeavors in 2020!
2019, you challenged me to see the beauty of life in your plainness and inner & outer battles.
To more 2020!! 🍃❤️

2018 has been my time out, time out for what I’ve been used to. It was rough but worth it. I needed time to forget, forgive, and flourish. 

As I turned its pages, I journeyed to different coasts that knocked me some realizations and changed my views. Priorities and responsibilities found its way to fit in and bother me as I unraveled the mysteries of life. I’ve learned that even though almost every little thing is well, reality would probably slap & tell me that its still not done yet. That no matter how prepared I am, if its meant to happen it will happen. This is life, after all. I just need to grasp every moment and nurture it to grow older and wiser.

This year had me with its countless of sleepless nights and daydreaming trying to figure out what’s best for me and what path to choose. And I ended up traveling to places I’ve never been to, moving mountains for the people that I love, grabbing a bag of opportunities, serving with all my heart & faith, facing the harsh reality of failures, rejections, and adjustments, learning to grow through letting people go and people letting go, guarding myself to avoid unnecessary pain and headache, and of course --- loving the people that made my year tough (lol, hello?) and bearable (thank you so much, luv!).

What a year!!! Thank you to every charm in my life for the courage, strength, guidance, and love that you’ve poured into me that lead me to the last day of this crazy year. I love you with all the universe and outside the universe can hold, with all the love from the beginning of time to its end called forever <3

And to the giver of life, my greatest source of strength, and the center of my existence; Lord! Regardless of my flaws, lapses, gaps, broken promises, and empty words, still, you’ve showered me with blessings, opportunities, experiences, and lessons that I don’t even think I deserve. All I know is that I trust You and Your plans for me and for my life. Thank you so much.

to more, 2019 💋

Sometimes in life, you would always chase people who you want to be part of your life. You see them, you know them, and next thing you knew, you crave for them.

For their laugh.
For their words.
For their actions.
For their love.
For their presence.

But, you would not end up having them. At least not have all of them.

Its because there are people who are worth the chase, but not worth the fight.

I like broken things.

And maybe that's why I like you.


           Sa unang tingin pa lang, akala ko ikaw na. Sa unang pag-uusap, akala ko ito na.

           Bawat araw na nagdaan, mas lalong nahuhulog sa iyo. Di na namamalayan na unti-unti ko ng pinupulot ang bawat piraso mong nahulog. Nagdaan ang mga panahon at mas lalong nalibang at hinayaan ang kahibangan.

           Di ko napansin na umiikot na yung mundo ko sa mundo mo. Na nasa loob na ako, na malayo na ang narating ng aking pagkahilig. Sa mga basag na bagay, sa iyong mga bubog.

           Pinakita mo yung sarili mo, hinayaan mong makita ko ang kaloob-looban mo. Mas higit at mas malalim pa sa nakikita ng ibang mga tao. Kaya siguro, mas lalo akong na engganyo. Kaya siguro, mas lalong nauto.

           Sa isa hanggang tatlong kabanata ng aking buhay, pinaramdam at pinakita mo sa akin ang isang bago at kakaibang mga pahina. Mga talata na akala ko'y di ko mabubuo, mga salitang akala ko'y di ko maisusulat pero dahil sa iyo unti unti kong nakasanayan ang mga bagay na dati'y aking iniiwasan.

           Di ba? ikaw yung hindi buo? ikaw yung may mundong basag. Masaya ako. Masaya ako noon. Noon na wala ka pa sa kwento ko. Ba't di ko namalayan?

           Na noong pinupulot ko ang iyong mga bubog, noong humakbang papaasok sa mundo mo.. ba't di ko namalayan na na unti-unti na pala akong nagdurugo? Na sa bawat pagtapak papasok at paghakbang papalit ay katumbas noon ang pagbukas ng mga akala kong naghilom na sugat ng kahapon. Na ang akala kong mga nailibing ay biglang nagsibalikan para guluhin ang dati kong masayang mundo. Mundo ko noong wala ka pa.

            I fixed you, and now that you are okay. Where am I? Saan yung lugar ko sa buhay mo?

            Kasi parang nabuhay lang ako sa istorya mo para ibalik ang buhay mong nawala. Na pagkatapos kong maayos ako, burado na ako. Di na ako makikita sa mga susunod na pahina at kabanata. Sa mga salita at talata, tanging mga bakas lang ng pagtatapos at paglimot.

            Bakit nandito ako? Bakit ako yung sira? Inayos kita pero ako ang nasira at nasasaktan ngayon?

           Pinaalala mo sa akin ang lahat ng mga gusto ko ng kalimutan. Ang daya mo. Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na ayusin ka para sana sabay tayong sumaya pero ba't pinasa mo yung sakit? Ba't nasa akin na ang iyong mga bubog?

            Di ko napansin na sa pagkahulog ko sa iyong mga bubog at pahapyaw mong paghilom ay ang unti-unti mong paglayo at pagbitiw. Pero sana habang mas maaga pa sinabihan mo na ako, kasi kung gusto mo namang umalis.. walang magagawa.


            Ngayon ako ang lunod, di ko na alam ang susunod.


Love,
Raice of 08/20/18 after watching The Day After Valentine's