There are days that I try to look back. Times that I try to remember. Moments that I want to relive.

I guess something so dear can’t be easily forgotten. It’s still clear in my memory how it all started. How you annoyed me to get my contact, how you bombarded me messages, took risks in every rejection, and plainly became someone that I have only read in books.  

Months full of drama and unexpected twists; far from reality to be given. I surfed along your waves of unbelievable reasons and schemes; slowly, I learned how to deal with all of it. There’s a part of me that hoped for nothing, but the truth and the reality. And a part of me was eager to break the almost fairy tale bubble that you built.

Its still clear. Very very clear, to the point that I can still feel the pain in joy and hope.

I was clueless. I was unsure. I was hesitant. I am clueless. I am unsure. I am hesitant. And I think I will remain clueless, unsure, and hesitant until the day that I will find the answers.

If you existed. If you really died. 

If you are AR. If you are Simba.

love,

Raice of 04/20/18

I feel like writing so I’m writing.

I’m currently in the phase of uncertainty. When everyone is so sure of me, well here I am, not sure about every little thing of myself and my future. I don’t know how to take the road that Im supposed to take.

Contemplating if the waves would be so loyal with my heart’s desire and take me to where I find comfort and contentment.

I need to save some courage in looking up to the results of the university I took risk for, the only institution that I have been dreaming ever since. Funny how I imagined things back then to go smoothly and make its way to how my mind visualizes it.

Then here I am now, closer to my passion. Here I am now, shaking at the peak of a new beginning.

I would always ask myself, what am I afraid of? I kept finding answers. Kept.

Now, I’ve realized what hurts me the most. I have known what takes up all my energy and positivity. And that’s disappointing the people who believe in me; the people who never doubted me, not even once. The reason why I keep pushing forward and onward, and the same reason why I doubt and look back.

But I guess, I need to put an end to this. I can’t let other individuals get the best and worst of me. I might as well teach myself how to generate one’s effect to myself. Ahhh, I know this would be hard. Nothings easy after all, right? So give me time, I’ll try my very best.

Pediatric Cancer. 

There are times in life that everything seems so dark. Moments that we feel like the world is against us and we can’t do anything about it. We let situations control our views and emotions, always getting the best and most of us. Thinking that we’re at the end, hopeless and helpless with whatever circumstance we are in. We thought it’s the worst, but stop when we hear the accounts of others.

We do have different stories to tell the world. It may be a life that is full of happiness or struggles or a balance both. But what matters is how one deal with it and I believe this how heroes exist. We grew up admiring heroes and wanting to be one. They are extraordinary individuals who have the capacity to save a significant something in this beautiful world.

At the early age of eighteen, I never imagined meeting one or more. I have witnessed how brave they are through their eyes, how strong they are through their smiles, and how courageous they all are throughout their journey. If people just let “I give up” slip out of their mouths easily, they’ll prove that it is harder to surrender than to keep fighting. The gift of life itself is worth keeping the battle on. 

It gives us unlimited opportunities and experiences in this limited span.

They are heroes who radiate the significance of this blessing. How one should value and make it as productive as it can be, prioritize genuine happiness and contentment and most especially share the love we all deserve. Life is too precious that even pain can’t stop them. Uncertain of what tomorrow or the next days can do, still they stand making impossible to possible. It is a way for them to convey that no one is not too old or too young to become an inspiration and vessel of hope.

With all of these, I opened something unexpectedly. Heroes exist and heroes need saving too. They have been into countless struggles; medicine intake, physical changes, hair loss, strict diet and more. At some point, they also crave for people who will be a hero for them. House of Hope, it is where hope comes from everyone, not only from the heroes but also from the heroes of the heroes, us. Our presence and time means a lot, what more can we do but help them forget the pain that they do not deserve.

While we are at school, they’re in the hospital. We’re developing what we have; they’re fighting for all they have. We’re complaining about life’s cruelty, they’re thanking every hope that comes in their way. At a very young age, they became heroes. Heroes of hope, heroes of life; for as long as they can, they will.

So when you feel like you’re drowning and no one can save you, and you yourself don’t even want to be saved. Just put in your mind that everyone else is drowning too, you may or may not share the same thoughts and circumstances. But let the ones who are struggling to keep their lives be your inspiration, let these little heroes be. Let them be the impact that you’ve been waiting for, give them the chance to show you how beautiful life is even with all the hurt, uncertainties, failures, and judgment. There’s more to life than escaping the obstacles, in the end I assure you that it’s worth it. Every battle, every fight, every story is worth fighting for.

The waves crashed.

I am currently in the phase of questioning my capability and intellect. An individual who is trying to commit to challenges and engage herself with situations outside from her comfort zone, that’s me right now. People would say that I’m good, I’m equipped etc. but deep within me there’s a voice that would crumple me down. And yes, there are times that I’ve drowned with it.

The best; I have wanted to be the best version of myself. I have dreamed of achieving my goals and reaching my peak. For I know, my heart knows, it’s not only for me but also for my family. I just don’t want to let them down; I don’t want them to feel threatened for my future.  I want them to be happy and be at ease.

Now that I’m adult-ing, I’m closer to the bigger opportunities and plot twists of my personal and professional life. And I just hope that these rejections would lead me to greater paths.

My quest starts here. Im on fire, so eager, so pumped.